Why Shaq Signed With Celtics ... and Other Theories

Why Shaq Signed With Celtics ... and Other Theories

I hate hearing the phrase "There's no answer." I can't accept it. Everything within reason should have an answer. And if you can't come up with one? Come up with a theory. Without further ado, here's my newest column gimmick, "Theories I've Been Chewing On Lately."

Chewed-On Theory No. 1: "Why did Shaq sign with the Celtics?"

Notice how that didn't read "Why did the Celtics sign Shaq?"

I went through the seven stages of grief when the Celtics signed Shaq: shock and denial ("No!"); pain and guilt ("No!!!!!!!!!"); anger and bargaining ("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"); depression, reflection and loneliness ("He's a washed-up coach-killer who couldn't stop a high screen if you allowed him to use a taser and a billy club"); the upward turn (remembering that the Celtics signed him for the minimum, that he's eminently tradable or waivable, and that he was taking Shelden Williams' spot); reconstruction and working through (that he may have been miscast on his two previous teams, and with a bigger/slower/older team like Boston that struggles in the half court, he might be an asset on the low post against certain opponents); and acceptance and hope (that even if only he plays hard versus the three teams against whom he has a grudge -- Miami, Los Angeles and Orlando -- he could end up being a major asset). I finished the whole cycle in less than 24 hours.

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